Nightmares

I’ve teamed up with Sajni Fernando, my beautiful friend with a talent for the artsyfarts. She’s the one that made Keeno a reality, and she’ll be drawing things for some of my poetry now and again. This will be fun. Go give her some love at @tropicalkiwibird, and make sure to follow me, @sleepybats, for her art and my poetry! 🙂

What I Mean by What I Say

​It’s not that one would want a reaction to the oft-repeated three-word phrase-of-the-gods, be it positive or negative. It’s more a sort of confirmation. A reassurance. I’m telling you this, I love you. Believe it or not, want it or not, at this moment, that is what my mind-body-heart say to my brain, and my brain vocalises. So I am delivering the facts to you. Whether you say it to me or not, is no matter to me. Except in the case where I might feel that what I’m saying is unilateral and not mutual. What then? 

Is there a way of me knowing whether you more or less mirror what I’m saying? Is there a way of me gleaning from your silence, what you feel for me? I’m not sure. I haven’t learned you well enough to be able to telepathically read you and know what you feel. Sure, hearing your voice, I can. Seeing your face, I can. But silence… that’s just an illusion of what you are. Not that you’re just that. You’re so much more, and these words do you no justice. So I keep verbosity as a given. I tell you I love you. If you do too, sometimes you respond positively. Be it a hug, a kiss, a word, or even just a smile. That simple response destroys all my fears. For now. 

Maybe that’s why I keep saying it. To reassure you again and again. 

Love, I’m here. I love you. Even though it is silence that we have between us most of the time, just close your eyes and imagine my voice singing to you. Because that’s what I want to do all the time. Always. I want to love you, in ways that I know only I and I alone can. And I want to be loved by you in your unique-in-the-universe way. So I tell you this. I love you. I’ve loved you for a while now, and it has given me nothing but pure ecstatic rainbows of emotion. Something I haven’t felt all my life. That’s so important to me, that I want to hold on to it, and keep telling you that I love you.

I miss you.

But not the same way as everyone does

Not the same way as everybody tells each other when they’re apart for days, weeks, or months.

It’s been three hours since we last spoke.

I say spoke, I mean texted.

But that’s all the communication we have.

So yeah.

I miss you.

And it’s weird writing that in a message every so often…

Because, see…

We’ve never been together.

We’ve never kissed, we’ve never embraced, hell, we haven’t been within a mile of each other in almost a year now. Guess that’s what circumstances do to you, eh?

So… I miss you. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

Just thought I’d let you know.

Corpo-Mente.

So I found this band by sheer accident – they’re called Corpo-Mente and as far as I know they’re a collection of individually talented artists from Europe. The highlight of their music for me, though, is the general tone of it all, which is foreboding and dark and creepy and ooh I like it, and the lead-vocalist’s style of singing. She blends opera with melodic singing and dark screaming, and it’s terrifyingly amazing to listen to. Go check them out! I suggest starting with the track called ‘Dorma’.

Snickers and Mars bars,

Adi.

I had a nightmare tonight.

It’s half-past three in the morning.

6 PM where you are..

You’re probably sitting at a table,

Enjoying a nice cup of coffee,

While I’m tormented by my brain’s fevered visions

Of corpses, ghouls and ghosts

Of demons colossal, larger than I could ever imagine

Much more terrifying than you’d think.
I know I’m being selfish

And I know it’s not fair

But I need you right now.

It’s scary when you’re not there.

Falling In Love Every Day

You’re really far away from me.

Really, really far away.

Yet I find myself repeatedly

Falling in love every day.

This morning you fell asleep when we

Were talking on the phone

And as I listened to your breaths

I felt not so alone.

Yes, the space between us is

So much worse than I can say

Yet I find myself loving the bliss

Of falling in love every day.